Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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