it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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