What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
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It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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