My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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