I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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