God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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