broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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