Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
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She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
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