he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
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Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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