guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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