I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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