I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
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Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
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Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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