I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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