I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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