All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize