Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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