i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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