he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
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I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
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I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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