Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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