I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
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Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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