I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize