I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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