I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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