after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
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I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
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It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm too high and old for this...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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