He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
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Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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