I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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