I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize