We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
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Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize