Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
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Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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