he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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