I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize