if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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