Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He passed out mid-signature
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize