In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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