New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There are leaves in my underwear?
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