Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Two words: blizzard sex
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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