Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
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I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
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My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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