If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
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How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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