How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
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He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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