Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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