While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
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I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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