He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
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How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
MIDGETS
????
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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