Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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