Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize