Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
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We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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