soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize