I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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