I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
