i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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