Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize